Snafuses

2011-12-27T09:08:00.000-08:00

Ob hearing of the Texas Santa Claus murders.

Ooh--You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is gunning--for you.
He's made his list, he's checked it twice, and that bloodthirsty bastard's not very nice:
Santa Claus is gunning--for you.
He spies when you are sleeping, but he shoots when you're awake. He don't care if you're bad or good, he'll shoot you like a snake.
Don't sit on his lap Connie, don't give your wish list, Tim. He thinks you're greedy rat-tots, and they're all the same to him.
Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is gunning for you.

Eulick McCreavis

Ain't It Grand?

2011-12-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

If it turns out that He (or She, or It) does exist, it is patently obvious that God has delusions of grandeur.

2011-12-09T08:42:00.000-08:00

Some shrink one the news says pedophilia is a biological condition. This would indicate that sexual preferences are all inborn.
When I was a kid I had no interest in playing doctor with children of either sex. I was much more interested in playing psychiatrist.
That is to say, shrink. I knew then that I could make pronouncements that would remain unquestioned for at least a little while.

2011-12-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

When Innocent VIII pitched a fit
Poor witches took a hard hit
He hung them and burned them
Impaled them then scorned them
Because of his Papal Bull shit.

Hoof Ardette, SJ

Herman Cain

2011-11-15T22:32:00.000-08:00

On hearing that God told Herman Cain to run for president:

Said the Deity to Herman t. Cain
Say you'll run or I am sure stayin'
On your mind and your hiney
I've given this signy
And I'll see to the chicks you've been layin'.

A Question for T.S. Eliot

2011-08-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

There is just one thing, sir, that bothers me yet:
If you wrote it today, would "The Waste Land" be wet?

Miracles?

2011-04-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

Jesus and His mum are spotted everywhere. Wouldn't it be swell if someone found the image of Richard Dawkins
on a piece of toast?

Black Swan?

2011-04-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

What was the Vincent Cassel part in "Black Swan" named? Was it perhaps Swangali?

Raison d'etre?

2011-04-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

James Watson found DNA
Double helix showed him the Way
To get beyond Gods
And religious fantods
To look for some T and some A.
Lars Poetica

Banana Republicans

2011-02-25T14:02:00.000-08:00

The Republicans in Wisconsin and other states are trying to bust unions, a move that will give us more in common
with what we used to call "Banana Republics." I suggest we start carrying a banana with us to demonstrations,
or perhaps a Carmen Miranda hat, with signs that identify us as banana republicans.

New cologne

2011-02-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton has a new perfume called "Just Me." I propose a cologne called "Injustice."

Eulick's Song

2011-02-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

Jesus doesn’t want you to do it
He wanted abstinence but then you blew it
Now Jesus and His Mommy weep
And you keep them from their heavenly sleep
All because you want to do it.

Jesus doesn’t want you to do it
So get on your knees and don’t pursue it
He can’t sustain His love for you
If you look for love outside the pew
Jesus knows you’re out to do it.

Jesus doesn’t want you to do it
You mustn’t act the poete maudit
If you must do it at least get blotto
Then confess and say you forgotto
Because Jesus doesn’t want you to do it.
……………………………………………Eulick McCreavis

Halley's erection

2010-11-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

Said the well-know astonomer Halley
"That comet don't come waley-naley
But it always comes back
On schedule, on track
Just like morning wood to the maley."

Eulick McCreavis

Holy Epistles

2010-11-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

Why does no one ever refer to the Letter of St. Paul to the Begonias?

The rich

2010-11-03T13:47:00.001-07:00

The problems the rest of us have with the rich are not going to be improved by throwing more money at them.

Stinking lies

2010-10-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Don't fart in my face and tell me we're in Venice.

October Nietzsche

2010-10-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

15 October.
Happy Birthday Friedrich Nietzsche
Who taught us all, but wasn't preachy
Too bad your life weren't ginger-peachy.
Lars Poetica

Chillbillies

2010-10-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

It's just a term that I thought seemed appropriate in light of Alaska's recent elections. Use it in a sentence? "Those chillbillies' inchoate rage leads them to elect people who seem 'like me'." That is, apparently uneducated, intolerant persons.

Worship Venue

2010-09-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

When a body must worship the Sun
Tanning doth cease to be Fun
True Faith is most fine
Where the Sun doesn't shine
Twixt a left and a right shapely bun.

Hoof Ardette SJ

Existential Gas

2010-06-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

Existenialist prime Jean-Paul Sartre
Served ideas and fetishized art.
To Cafe Deux Magots
He continued to go
And now and then let flee a farte.

Debussy Fields

Eternal Ennui

2010-06-02T07:18:00.001-07:00

Expecting Eternal Reward
For behavior that isn't untoward?
Better hope it's a con
Cause when you land Yon
You will very likely be bored.

Lars Poetica

Godeater Theater

2010-05-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

No theater in the Dark Ages
No Bijoux or Luxe or Pantages
Instead there were raids
They called them Crusades
To entertain mad Theophages.

Hoof Ardette SJ

The Good Padre's Instructions

2010-04-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

Take this cruet and open your mouth.
Now hold my alb while I head south.
Hoof Ardette, SJ

Medical Breakthough

2010-04-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

To cure the priests of pederasty
Dr. Church prescribes geograplasty.

Hoof Ardette, SJ

Poem/Didier diddles

2010-04-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Who did Didier diddle
When he didn’t diddle Dinah?
Did Didier diddle Dolly
When he didn’t diddle Dinah?

Or did Didier diddle Deirdre
When he didn’t diddle Dinah?
Did Deirdre diddle by herself
Or did she diddle Deana?

Who did Didier diddle
When Dolly, Deirdre, Deana,
And Dinah weren’t around?
Did he diddle by himself till
One of them was found?
Or did he diddle Dieter, till time to go downtown?

Debussy Fields

Go Sigmund, Go SIgmund

2009-05-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Go Sigmund, Go Sigmund...

Psychoanalyst Pere Sigmund Freud
Had a nasty old itch from a 'rroid
Said Sig, "It's a hassle,
To go scratch my assle,
Because anal thrills I avoid."
....Lars Poetica

The Ballad of Virtuelle

2009-01-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

The Ballad of Virtuelle

What am I supposed to do
All alone without you?
Maybe I’ll give her a whirl
I mean that virtual girl.
She’s not quite latex or vinyl
And she’ll be all mine, be all minel.

She’ll give me good headset
And won’t muss up my bedset
And whenever I miss you
I’ll just clean up with tissue.
You always complainted
That my feelings were tainted
That I might check out others
And wish I had druthers.

But not Virtuelle
Who’d never complain
And that’s why I fell
For my lovely, my belle.
Who can act like a slut
And look like princess.
And I can program her gullet
To swallow emissious.

So goodbye now, goodbye
I must leave you, my darling
But I must really fly
Cause Virtuelle’s calling.
But she waits, she’s so patient
And she never suspects
I’ve some inklings most latent.
Cause I could reprogram
She could grow an appendage
And she would not mind
That’s her great advantage.

Lars Poetica

Feastday of Saint Valerian

2008-09-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the Feast of Valerian
Who lost his head as a contrarian
It might not be fair but
They gave him a haircut
And left him as lunch for the carrion.

Gun-totin' Palin

2008-09-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

Oh Sarah the mayor of Wasilla
Is not just a Northern hillbilla
She's no namby-pamby
When she's hunting for Bambi
But rather much more like Godzilla.

Rah Rah Salome

2008-06-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

I often think of the teenage Salome as a temptress at a pep rally:

Gimme a V, gimme an E, gimme an I and an L.
What does it spell? What does it spell?
VEIL! VEIL! VEIL!
Now take it off, take it off, take it off, Salomey!
We'll watch your cheer and that's no baloney!

Enda Glenda

2008-06-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here's to the fabulous Glenda
Who had a clean face, clean mouth and pudenda
Although she was flirty
She feared her front dirty
So all that was left was her enda.
>

End of Primaries Limerick

2008-06-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hillary's case for the delegates
Portrays her among the immaculates
Not tawdy and tacky
So cut her some slacky
And beef up her post-season tabulates.

Dark songs

2008-05-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

Every Silver Ling Has a Cloud

When you're about to embark on a spree
When your troubles and ills you cannot see
When life is good as good can be
Take it from me:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

Just in case a stroke of fortune makes you proud
I'm happy for you and you're certainly allowed
To go off and celebrate your lucky break
But cross your fingers as you gobble up your steak:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

You should have asked for steak cooked well past rare
As Fortune's fickle and she's never on the square
She finds your celebration vain--it's folly
To think that you could leave without e-coli:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

Then when you think that you have found your fair one
The golden girl or boy who's sure to make your life fun
The one--your prince or princess regent
You're going to find your love is surely night's dark agent:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

So to mend your broken heart you book a cruise
A shipboard fling is just what you could use
And then when you meet the perfect fling
You find your fling is night's dark second string:
Every silver lining has a cloud

When you're about to embark on a spree
When your troubles and ills you cannot see
When life is good as good can be
Take it from me:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

For Bill O'Reilly

Dear let's falafel
It's not so awful
Let's falafel
It's all the rage.

O love, let's loofah
I want to smooch ya
I said let's loofah
And love we'll wage.

My dear let's falafel
You'll take a mouthful
I like your craw full
For days and days.

You see this loofah
It'll hoochy cooch ya
You can use this loofah
In lots of ways.

Let's put my loofah
In your falafel
It's sure to move ya
To the next phase.

Dear let's falafel
It's far from awful
Let's falafel
It's all the rage.

St. George and the Church

2008-04-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

Saint of the Day lists today - 23 April - as Saint George's day, then goes on to explain that he has been the object of overhype, as it were. So

Saint George ain't official Church dogma
But quaint theological fog, Pa
Did he slay a green dragon?
Pull Christ in a wagon?
Maybe not but he's not to be mockeda.

2008-04-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

Aphorism:
It is easy for a rich man to buy Cleopatra's needle.

April Fool Saint

2008-04-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

The Church would never canonize Erasmus (I think they have one of their own--but not the Erasmus of "In Praise of Folly"). The Saint of the Day site lists Saint Hugh of Grenoble. Therefore I offer:

Prayer for April 1st, the Feast Day of Saint Hugh of Grenoble (1052-1182).

We turn to you, Saint Hugh
Please give us our due.
Don't let us turn blue
But stay our same hue,
Could you manage, too,
To give us a clue,
When sin's wages come due,
And we'll scramble anew,
Away from the few
Who are saved there with you.

Amen

Supermarket Haiku

2008-03-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

I linger in the produce aisle
Bane of those who would eat tomatoes.

Ferraro's vulgarity

2008-03-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

Geraldine Ferraro's comments re Obam are breathtaking in their vulgarity and mean-spiritedness. Hillary Clinton's measured response seems patronizing and insincere. If this strategy backfires, as one hopes, perhaps Clinton and Ferraro can get together and have a good cry.

Saint Sebastian's Day

2008-01-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

Saint Sebastian was already listed as a martyr by 350CE. As most of us know, he was filled full of arrows, survived to taunt the emperor, and finally beaten to death. I'm sure he was perfectly horrid to be around and that his martyrdom came as a relief to all who knew him.

What a card, eh? A note of interest. The Saint Sebastian convent and parish house in Venice is no longer used for the church. Its major wall is used by the students at the University of Venice to post their pornographic caricatures of and bawdy poems about one another. One of them, when I was there, had a gorgeous comparative lit MA graduate drawing with her breasts talking post-modern theory with one another. Another one pictured a male philosopher sitting on the toilet looking at a girlie mag as his erect penis (with a face) asked the"philosophical" questions: "Is there an ontological point to all this? Do I have a place in the scheme of things?"---and so on. There were many other drawings, and obscene rants and poems along this line. They were all sublime. I wanted to enroll in school there at once

But the most damning one was a very straightforward drawing of a serious young man. All it said was, "Vittorio has always been the joy of his mother and the priests." That was it! The most saintly of those Venetian students was plastered there on the side of Saint Sebastian's as a truly pathetic figure. Saint Sebastian must be very proud. Perhaps he'll send an arrow to Vittorio. We can be sure Vittorio will be more than happy to use it on sinners. And his mother,the priests, and Saint Sebastian will all be proud.

Need I say that Venice is my kind of place?

New Hymn

2008-01-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

Today seems to be a celebration of the Virgin Mother. So in that spirit, and the belated spirit of Christmas, I submit:

Hello, Mary
Well it is me, Harry,
I'm so glad you've given birth to our Dear God
You're looking good, Mary, really good, Mary
The Father really must have checked out your swell bod.

Look at that star, Mary
It's so bright it's scary
And it's shining down on you and Baby God
And then the Kings, Mary
Bring some Things, Mary
You can pawn them if you need to buy some food.

We Hail your name, Mary
When we get lame, Mary
And we a need a miracle to get us through.
Please Indulge us, Mary
Keep us from TB and beriberi
And then we'll say a Rosary and Honor You.

More verses to come,
Harry Palme

MLA, Lunch Money, Liberals, Larceny

2007-12-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

My professional association, largely consisting of English professors and those who would be English professors, is meeting here in Chicago this weekend. I attended yesterday and found myself looking around and thinking that these were the people who had their lunch money taken from them. Like me, they are largely liberal or lefties. But as I looked at them some more I decided that I wanted to take their lunch money, too.

Her Heart Will Go On

2007-12-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

Celine Dion is ending her five-year run at Caesar's Palace. She has obviously reached the point of diminishing "go ons."

Jesus and His Brother, Satan

2007-12-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

Mike Huckabee has (somewhat disingenuously, one suspects) suggested that Mormons believe that Jesus and Satan are brothers. While the idea seems only perhaps a shade more original than the idea that Jesus was sired by a god and born of a virgin, it was clearly an attempt to discredit Mitt Romney with Republican Christian evangelicals.

I think Jesus and his brother Satan laugh when they hear the word Republican. And they weep when they hear the word Democrat. On the other hand, there is no reason to believe that Jesus and his brother Satan even care about what an atheist like me thinks.

Or his sister Salome.

Self-mutilation and the Language

2007-12-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

As a new descriptor for all the cutters out there--self-cutters, that is--I would like to suggest an old word put to new use: cicatrix. It follows the logic of words like dominatrix, and hence it is self-explanatory. An essay or article might begin with somethng like, "Noted cicatrix and petulance expert Suzie Cutler, late of Ashcania, Ohio, has endorsed a new..." For her male counterpart, "cicator" seems logical, as well.

2007-12-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I have not seen anything about Plato's cyber cave (cybercave?)? Plato's cave's wall's shadow-play is still going on, but now it has transcended itself, eh? The images are on the screen, broadcast as on televsion, but often presenting themselves as the real rather than the symbolic. Plato's theory was wrong for centuries, but maybe he's coming into his own at last. Images of images of....

Body and (vs?) Soul

2007-11-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

The chick flicks they show at the plex
Are concerned with much more than mere sex
Such as touching and feeling
And the triumph of healing
But it helps if the hero's got pecs.

Phantasies

2007-11-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

Rupert Murdoch held a fund-raiser for Hillary some time back, and has contributed to her campaign. Why?!! Is there a chance at some point we could hear him say, "I did not have sex with that woman."

Scott McCLellan says he was lied to and unwittingly lied to all of us. With civil liberties going down the tubes, isn't there a court somewhere that might say, "Ignorance of the truth is no excuse."?

Huckabee is gaining ground in Iowa, despite his "rock n'roll background. This is a chance to turn the Presidential race into "American Idol." What is Hillary's talent? Obama's? Do we give them immunity challenges? I don't care if I'm mixing my metaphors and talent shows. I just want to know soon we can vote them off the island.

Truth and Beauty

2007-11-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

Kanye West's mother has died after, or while, undergoing cosmetic surgery. Sad, yet wonderful and appropriate. All deaths are sad, but for an English teacher to die from cosmetic surgery is wonderful and appropriate because it is dying for beauty. Beauty is truth and truth is beauty, as Keats tells us "Grecian Urn." What could be better than an English teacher dying for either one? I hope my own exit is so poetic.

Stevens and Stein

2007-11-12T10:22:00.000-08:00

Upon hearing the news that Hillary is using audience plants to lob softball questions her way (a Republican trick, in the Gannon-Guckert mode) I thought, "Who can I turn to to explain my simultaneous disgust and delight, Mike?" Turn to the poets, sez I, turn to your favorite poets, and examine your conscience. My conscience, Wallace Stevens and Gertrude Stein came up with, "Schadenfreude is my ice cream."

Hillary Flips the Bird

2007-10-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

Ms. Hillary’s ahead of the flock
And she strides with a President’s walk
And she says she’s for peace
But will war ever cease
When she constantly quacks like a hawk?

New Hillary Slogan

2007-10-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

I have seen the error of my ways and from this moment I will support Hillary with my new slogan for her campaign:
HILLARY: YOU'VE ONLY SEEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!

Aromas

2007-10-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

You stink, therefore I am.
Coco Chanel

With Apologies to the Scarlet Pimpernel

2007-10-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

They seek him here, they seek him there
Those Yankees seek him everywhere.
Is he in Baghdad or in Baden-Baden?
That damned, elusive Osama bin Laden.

Humpty Democrats

2007-10-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

When Democrats sit on the fence
We do it because we’re so tense
So we fall off it for FISA
And to make our kids nicer
Multi millions for abstinence.

Play with My Dalai?

2007-10-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

"It's part of what we Buddhists call 'bad sexual conduct.' Sexual organs were created for reproduction between the male element and the female element and everything that deviates from that is not acceptable from a Buddhist point of view. Between a man an [another]man, a woman and another woman, in the mouth, the anus, or even using a hand." (the DL mimes masturbation)...
(June 1997, San Francisco ~ Dalai Lama)

A lot of Buzz today about the Dalai Lama, his Congressional Medal and so on. But obviously his devotion to freedom stops at the entrance to sexuality, especially homosexuality. He is one of those, apparently, who believe the body is a temple. They seem to populate all the world's major religions. There are a number of us non-religious folks who believe the body is a playground.

Whose party would you rather go to? If you'd rather chant than hang out on the slides, swings, and monkey bars with folks like me, quick move away from this blog and chant: Hello Dalai.

Torture?

2007-10-07T09:06:00.003-07:00

We Bushies do not torture folks
Just deprive them of dinner and smokes
There's no time for levity
Our needs require brevity
We use freezing and dunkings and pokes

2007-10-07T09:06:00.001-07:00

Childrens

2007-10-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

In light of President Bush's veto of the children's health care bill, I have a question:
Is our childrens already healthy enough?

Limericks Political and Scatological by Hoof Ardette

2007-10-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

Just a few limericks today:

Republican Senator Foley
had some thoughts about teens most unholy
Though charged to protect 'em
He craved teenage rectum
And some of that firm young cannoli.

In order to come Foley went
For boys at the age of consent
If younger email them
Until he could nail 'em
And whack off like a real proper gent.

Said the Father to Adam you'd best
Shun that fruit so you can stay blessed
Then He turned to Eve
Who asked, "By your leave,
Is that going to be on the test?"

Said the beguiling young lady Jeffabelle
Whose virtue was not merely laughable,
"My father the minister
Said wed or be spinister
And so I am simply ineffable."

An eccentrical lady of Berkeley
Approached her costume berserkly:
"I found my turban
In Afghanistan
And the rest of my outfit in Turkley."

Haliburton works hard at its game
Plays for keeps and doesn't feel shame
As it screws the G.I.s
Hoping no one gets wise
And gives war profiteers a bad name.

Hoof Ardette

No walkathons

2007-10-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

Every disease seems to have a walkathon. How about, for prostatitis and prostate cancer, holding annual pissing matches?

Lesbian Lament

2007-09-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

A song dedicated to the various Melissa Etheridge Clones--lesbian and straight--who assault the ears while one is waiting for the movie to begin.

I Can’t Find My Birkenstocks / Lesbian Lament

You took my love and now you’ve gone
Away for milk and pannetone
You went for groceries and you disappeared
It’s quite as if you never cared.

I search for this, I search for that,
You took the photos and the cat,
The pots, the pans and half the plants
The coffee mugs and my good pants.

I look for you in small cafes
And Starbucks sipping grande lattes.
You took the toaster and the clocks
And I can’t find my Birkenstocks
I can’t find my Birkenstocks.

I sit alone with no one there
I do my nails and brush my hair,
I had it cut, it looks real nice
It’s a color they call “Mocha Spice.”

I bought new pans and I got a cat
Redid the kitchen bright pink matte.
Bought new jeans and they’re distressed
Holes on the hips and I get dressed

To look for you in small cafes
At Starbucks sipping grande lattes
The toaster’s new and all the clocks
But I can’t find my Birkenstocks
I still can’t find my Birkenstocks.

Hoof Ardette

Leonard Cohen Parody

2007-09-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

30 September

Leonard Cohen is a brilliant composer and often his songs are moving and effective. But the combination of self-loathing, hostility, and mysticism gets tiresome, eh? Why not just put on a hair shirt and try to write Paul Anka songs? It would be fun. Instead, we get things not unlike the following:

The Buddha Song

Your hair is golden, your buttocks are firm
Girls and boys see you and they start to squirm
You can light up a room that was given to gloom
You cavort, tease and flirt while large shadows loom
And you deny that you know it, though you surely do
So what makes you think that the Buddha would care
For a little trick like you?

You quote some old sutras and smile like you know
Some secrets that only the privileged can know
Your credentials are doubtful, your knowledge too glib
When you quote a koan it sounds like a fib
Your questions are those with answers too pat
With sartori waiting you’ll surely fall flat
So what do think that the Buddha would do
With a little trick like you?

Your spirit is wanting, though your body is nice
You think that you’re warm, but your touch is like ice
You do not think twice of the souls in your wake
I can’t quite convince them that your soul is fake
You look good in saffron while you’re chanting OM,
By a lake or the Ganges you act like you’re home
Now what acts would the Buddha perform
On a little trick like you?

The way it is waiting if you have the key
And the guru has said he won’t give it to me
But for you he’s wide open cause he’s charmed by your force
He’s pointing the way to the one and first Source
Your path might be thorny but he’ll get you there
With shoes for your soul and balm for your care
But I’ve washed his feet with my tears while he sneered at me
Why did I think that the Buddha would care
For a little trick like me?
Mike Perkovich

Snafuses Inaugural

2007-09-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

28 September 2007
Good evening (your name here),

Why don't the airlines pass out tins of SpaghettiOs and a can opener? It would be at least as good as the food they used to serve and would cost less.

Pity poor Senator Craig
Who suffers from real restless leg
It sets his foot tapping
When he oughtta be crapping
But it isn't jet lag it's fag tag.

Conservative Senator Craig
Thought that fruits were a drag
True he loved playing footsie
To be some cop's tootsie
But he certainly wasn't a fag.