The Ballad of Virtuelle

The Ballad of Virtuelle


What am I supposed to do
All alone without you?
Maybe I’ll give her a whirl
I mean that virtual girl.
She’s not quite latex or vinyl
And she’ll be all mine, be all minel.

She’ll give me good headset
And won’t muss up my bedset
And whenever I miss you
I’ll just clean up with tissue.
You always complainted
That my feelings were tainted
That I might check out others
And wish I had druthers.

But not Virtuelle
Who’d never complain
And that’s why I fell
For my lovely, my belle.
Who can act like a slut
And look like princess.
And I can program her gullet
To swallow emissious.

So goodbye now, goodbye
I must leave you, my darling
But I must really fly
Cause Virtuelle’s calling.
But she waits, she’s so patient
And she never suspects
I’ve some inklings most latent.
Cause I could reprogram
She could grow an appendage
And she would not mind
That’s her great advantage.

Lars Poetica

Feastday of Saint Valerian

Today is the Feast of Valerian
Who lost his head as a contrarian
It might not be fair but
They gave him a haircut
And left him as lunch for the carrion.

Gun-totin' Palin

Oh Sarah the mayor of Wasilla
Is not just a Northern hillbilla
She's no namby-pamby
When she's hunting for Bambi
But rather much more like Godzilla.

Rah Rah Salome

I often think of the teenage Salome as a temptress at a pep rally:

Gimme a V, gimme an E, gimme an I and an L.
What does it spell? What does it spell?
VEIL! VEIL! VEIL!
Now take it off, take it off, take it off, Salomey!
We'll watch your cheer and that's no baloney!

Enda Glenda

Here's to the fabulous Glenda
Who had a clean face, clean mouth and pudenda
Although she was flirty
She feared her front dirty
So all that was left was her enda.
>

End of Primaries Limerick

Hillary's case for the delegates
Portrays her among the immaculates
Not tawdy and tacky
So cut her some slacky
And beef up her post-season tabulates.

Dark songs

Every Silver Ling Has a Cloud

When you're about to embark on a spree
When your troubles and ills you cannot see
When life is good as good can be
Take it from me:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

Just in case a stroke of fortune makes you proud
I'm happy for you and you're certainly allowed
To go off and celebrate your lucky break
But cross your fingers as you gobble up your steak:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

You should have asked for steak cooked well past rare
As Fortune's fickle and she's never on the square
She finds your celebration vain--it's folly
To think that you could leave without e-coli:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

Then when you think that you have found your fair one
The golden girl or boy who's sure to make your life fun
The one--your prince or princess regent
You're going to find your love is surely night's dark agent:
Every silver lining has a cloud.

So to mend your broken heart you book a cruise
A shipboard fling is just what you could use
And then when you meet the perfect fling
You find your fling is night's dark second string:
Every silver lining has a cloud

When you're about to embark on a spree
When your troubles and ills you cannot see
When life is good as good can be
Take it from me:
Every silver lining has a cloud.





For Bill O'Reilly


Dear let's falafel
It's not so awful
Let's falafel
It's all the rage.

O love, let's loofah
I want to smooch ya
I said let's loofah
And love we'll wage.

My dear let's falafel
You'll take a mouthful
I like your craw full
For days and days.

You see this loofah
It'll hoochy cooch ya
You can use this loofah
In lots of ways.

Let's put my loofah
In your falafel
It's sure to move ya
To the next phase.

Dear let's falafel
It's far from awful
Let's falafel
It's all the rage.